Kids in Black
by Hermione Vader
Summary: When Mary Sues invade fandom, who restores canon? The Kids in Black do, of course. Story idea taken from Men in Black, but not actually a crossover and is not trying rip off other Mary Sue thwarting stories. R&R, Please. NO FLAMES!
1. All in a Day's Work

**Kids in Black**

Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR or _Men in Black_. It all belongs to other people.

Summary: When Mary Sues invade fandom, who restores canon? The Kids in Black do, of course. Based on _Men in Black_, but not technically a crossover. It maybe a one-shot, but maybe not; it all depends on the quantity and quality of the response it gets.

**All in a Day's Work**

Angelina Christina Serena Melina Starjewel Yellowstone Watergem ran her thin, fair, dainty fingers though Aragorn's dark, wavy tresses as he trailed kisses down her neck, lowering her on to the bed. How she'd dreamed of this since she'd seen the first movie, and finally, her wish was coming true. She slowly unbuttoned his shirt, caressing his chest every time; he slowly began to slip her pale pink dress off her shoulders, as he whispered sweet nothings to her and placed himself on top of her.

"Angelina, when I first saw you, I strayed into a dream," he whispered between kisses. "I love you more than I have ever loved anything."

_I've done it,_ she thought triumphantly, as she pulled his shirt off.

That's when a dark-haired boy in his early teens, clad in a black suit with black sunglasses, burst into the room.

"I've found the Sue, Agent J," the boy reported to someone in the hallway. "This one's gotten pretty far. Are you getting all of this?"

"Yes, Agent P," a higher, younger, female voice answered. A few moments later, a golden-brown-haired girl aged between 6 and9, wearing a smaller, but identical outfit, who appeared to be the boy's sister, entered the bedroom, taking down information on a clipboard. The couple stopped embracing immediately.

"Aren't you two a little young to be cops?" Angelina sneered, wrinkling her perfect button nose.

"We're not cops, ma'am," Agent P informed her flatly, taking out his badge. "We're KIB: Kids in Black. KIB is dedicated to negotiating with OCs and thwarting Mary Sues in all fandoms prone to receiving major amounts of the aforementioned persons."

"Angelina Christina Serena Melina Starjewel Yellowstone Watergem," Agent J began, "you are under arrest for the violation of Statute 31, by entering Middle-earth without notify the Valar or KIB, and Statute 148B, which states 'OCs may not tamper with the union of Aragorn Elessar and Arwen Undomiel.'"

"Yeah, right, like you kids can arrest me," the Sue retorted, her sapphire eyes changing to a formidable ice blue. "I have the right to be with any character I want."

"Tell that to the Valar," Agent P shot back, walking towards her with a pair of handcuffs. "They make the rules; we just enforce 'em."

"What're the Valar? Oh, it doesn't matter anyway. Nothing's coming between me and my ranger boy." She pulled her dress back up and sent a blast of ice towards both agents, who promptly ducked while the ice formed a solid block in the doorway. The terrible OC then sent a wave of water at the KIB, soaking them both.

"Mark this as a Class 5 Sue," P ordered his sister while he took a small blaster out of his pocket. He shot a blast of some purple substance, which hit the Sue in the heart, temporarily knocking her unconscious. Aragorn quickly returned to his canon self.

"What happened? The last thing I remember is walking in the woods and finding her," he told the kids honestly. "Who is she?"

"This is a Class 5 Mary Sue. She turned herself into a great beauty in order to lure you away from Arwen Undomiel and thoroughly seduce you," P replied matter-of-factly.

"Where is Arwen?" the King of Gondor inquired.

"She has just entered the palace after finishing her mournful walk around Minas Tirith, which she has done daily since the Sue ensnared her," J told him bluntly.

"May I see her?" Elessar asked worriedly.

"Of course," Agent P answered crossing over to the threshold and calling out, "Ms. Undomiel! Your husband is back!"

"Estel, darling!" the Evenstar cried happily as she ran into the room and embraced him passionately.

"Thank you, both of you," she told the agents.

"All in a days work, ma'am, all in a day's work," Agent P replied calmly while brandishing a small silver tube; he then turned to J and whispered rather loudly, "get the Mary Sue out to the car; I'll handle them." He pointed to the happy couple. J then dragged the Sue out of the room; P turned back to Aragorn and Arwen and held the silver tube in front of their faces.

"Now look at the red light," the boy instructed. "I'm just a figment of your imagination." He pressed the button the side of the tube, which then emitted a large flash and caused the two lovers to freeze; he left the room as though nothing had ever happened.

P met his sister back at the car (which is interesting, as neither of them is old enough to drive), but J was talking on her regulation cell phone.

"Yes, sir, we'll be right there," she assured the person on the other line.

"What is it?" her brother asked.

"There's trouble in POTC; somebody killed Elizabeth in order to get to Will, and two 'female pirates' are going after Capt. Jack as we speak," she informed P.

"Whoever decided to cast Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom in the same movie must've been clinically insane," P remarked.

"That would be the French," J teased.

"No, it wouldn't."

"Yes, it would."

On that note, they got into the car and rode off into the sunset, with the Fellowship's musical theme playing in the back, which quickly transitioned into the POTC soundtrack.


	2. Trouble with Prophecies

**The Trouble with Prophecies**

Disclaimer: Nope. I don't own anything.

A/N: I call Legolas "Legolas Greenleaf" in this chapter. I know his Sindarin(?) name is "Lasgalen Thranduilion," but I decided to have the Sue call him by his "Sue-ish" name. J may seem too old to be under ten, but I've decided that she and her brother are both in the "gifted" intelligence range. Also, I realized that there are other fics out there (some of which I have read) that contain Mary Sue-baffling agencies, but I did not mean to steal those authors' ideas; though I really like those stories, this story is something I made up on my own.

Divasaunaluniarwiel had managed to corner the object of her desire, Legolas Greenleaf, the night after the Council of Elrond took place. She had invited herself to the Council and announced her purpose: she was prophesied female savior that would come to save the whole of Middle Earth in its direst hour. Then somebody asked why she didn't come when Morgoth (Melkor) attacked Arda; she incinerated that person with her blast of flame, one of her many elemental powers. She forced her way into the Fellowship by ensnaring everyone with her beauty. Now she only needed to accomplish her real goal: getting her precious Leggy-poo between the sheets.

As she approached the elf, she used her wind powers to fan her beautiful, lustrous, silky, golden hair out behind her perfectly curved elf/human/mermaid/faerie/angel/garbage compactor/water nymph body. She met his blue-eyed gaze with sapphire eyes that promptly changed to dazzling amethysts. When she was close enough to touch him, she slid her impeccably fair and slender arms up around his neck and caressed his lips with her full, soft ones; he returned the kiss with a sweet passion.

A certain small, brown-haired blur stormed out onto the balcony and attacked the Sue, bludgeoning her with a metal baseball bat that would be used by a small elementary-school-aged child. The Sue collapsed to the ground, crying out in pain.

"NOBODY SEDUCES LEGGY! NOBODY!" Agent J shrieked with a frightening fervor, dark brown eyes blazing underneath her sunglasses. Her brother rushed to her side and pulled her away from the monstrosity that was the Prophecy Sue.

"J! J! Don't beat her to a pulp! We're supposed to take her into custody, not kill her!" Agent P chided.

"But she was going to…interact with Legolas!" the young girl protested.

"You can't let a girlhood crush get in the way of your job," P reminded her.

"That's not what you think when Gary Stus come after Eowyn and Arwen."

"That's beside the point. Tell you what, I'll drag the Sue to the car; you can take of Legolas."

"Oh, thank you." J hugged her brother happily. P then handcuffed the Sue and took her away, leaving J alone with her crush.

"Um, hi," she greeted shyly.

"Who are you? What _was_ that creature?" Legolas inquired.

"Um, it's hard to explain. Just look at this light," she instructed, taking out her own silver tube. She pressed the button and the light flashed; Legolas was frozen temporarily.

"Goodbye, until we meet again, sweet prince," J whispered in his ear; then she kissed him on the cheek and bolted from the tier.


	3. Sorry, Wrong Elf!

**Sorry, Wrong Elf!**

Disclaimer: None of it is mine.

A/N: Writer's block is terrible! I shall try to update more often. Also, one of my anonymous reviewers, zareen, requested a Sue for this character, so I owe this idea to her.

* * *

Aluthienielviel sat on a conveniently low-hanging branch in Mirkwood, preening in the sunlight and running her stunningly graceful (and extremely fair) hands through her exquisitely curly, red hair; she was waiting for her prey to approach.

She was glad that she came after all of that Ring junk so that she didn't have to fight and walk long distances. With that stuff out of the way, she could just focus on shagging Leggy.

Just in the middle of all her preening, he entered her emerald gaze. He was five or ten years older than he was in the movies and his eyes were a deep, dark brown instead of blue, but her Leggy was still completely gorgeous.

The Sue pranced toward him, her light green, faux-Elven dress fanning out behind her in the light breeze that had come from out of nowhere. Then she caressed his face and began to whisper sweet nothings into his ear.

"Oh, my dear Prince, words cannot express how eagerly I have awaited this moment," she murmured.

"Prince? Good lady, perhaps you do not know, but I am King of---" he almost corrected, before she put her slender fingers to his lips and began to declare her love again.

"Oh yes, you are the king of my heart. I truly, deeply love you, Legolas Greenleaf." (It is unknown whether the Mary Sue knew that she almost directly quoting _Star Wars_, but that's not important.)

"Mi'lady, Lasgalen is my---"

"Oh, Prince Legolas, let me show you the depth of my affection." She tried to kiss him, but just when her face was located a mere inch away from his, she felt someone tug on her ruby-red mane.

"I don't think so, sweetheart," Agent P remarked as he pulled her away from the startled elf---still holding her by the hair.

"Ow! Who are you?" she asked, bewildered.

"We're KIB: Kids in Black," Agent J stated firmly, popping out from behind a nearby tree. "You are one of the thousands---maybe millions---of young women who have tried to seduce Legolas of Mirkwood. Unfortunately, you cornered his father, Thranduil."

"What!" Aluthienielviel exclaimed.

"It's true," P told her as he dragged her away. "You're not the first, and you probably won't be the last."

"Oh, Thranduil, by the way," J began, turning to the Elven lord, "Manwe says that you have until the end of the week to sail for Valinor; after that, you're stuck here."

* * *

A/N: I know that Elves don't technically age, but I thought that Thranduil might look a few years older than his son, so I described him that way. Also, Aluthienielviel did not entrance Thranduil because she was meant to ensnare Legolas, and she can only ensnare those on which she originally decided to prey. 


	4. Giant Eyeballs Don't Have Offspring

**Giant Eyeballs **

**Don't Have Offspring**

Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing. I don't own the scene from _The Great Escape_ that I borrowed for this chapter. I also don't own Elphaba (the Wicked Witch of the West from _Wicked_, the book version).

A/N: What does "emo" mean?

* * *

Raven Onyx Ebony Wolfsbane Darkarrow knew her mission: take the Ring. Of course, in order to accomplish this task, she had to gain their trust; this part was almost too easy, as she only had to pout and whimper about how terrible it was to be the daughter of Sauron.

Now they were on their way to Lorien. She figured that this was a perfect opportunity to worm her even farther into their good graces, as she could prey on everyone's vulnerable emotions during their silent mourning. She also decided on a target: Legolas. He was handsome, of course, and her heart did flutter when she got a little too close to him, but he was merely a pawn to her; she could easily use her dark beauty to seduce him.

As the group trudged on, Raven positioned herself closer to her prey and let her eyes change from an angry scarlet to a calm sapphire blue. She was ready. When the group made camp, she finally decided to talk to him.

During their conversation, she flirted and began her slow seduction. Just when the two were about to kiss, three figures entered the camp noisily.

These people looked very out of place: there were two children (a boy and a girl) dressed in suits and wearing Rayban sunglasses; the girl was playing "Yankee Doodle Dandy" on a fife (which is like a flute without the keys, but with six holes instead), and the boy carried an "Old Glory"-style American flag in one hand and push a cart full of 2-Liter soda bottles in the other. The third figure was that of a pretty, dark-haired, green-skinned woman of about 25 who was playing snare rolls on a drum that she carried with a strap around her shoulder. These three persons marched in a row playing music, and then started pouring soda for the Fellowship.

"Get some moonshine! Have some American moonshine!" the small girl called out as she gave some Mountain Dew to Pippin.

"It's not moonshine," the boy (her brother, Raven assumed) corrected.

"I know; I've just always wanted to say that," the girl informed him.

"Okay, I have Pepsi and Dr. Pepper right here!" the green woman announced.

"Who _are_ you people!" Raven shouted, very irritated that these strangers had interrupted her scheme.

"Hey, look!" the girl interjected, pointing at Raven. "It's a 'Daughter of Sauron' Sue! I've heard of them, but I thought they were a myth!"

"Raven Onyx Ebony Wolfsbane Darkarrow, you are under arrest for the violation of Statue 21A by masquerading as Sauron's daughter, as well as sneaking into a fandom with out proper registration," Agent P stated.

"Should I mark this as a Class 4 Sue?" Agent J asked her brother.

"Yeah, that would be about right," he agreed.

"Like I said earlier: who _are_ you?" Raven screamed as P handcuffed her.

"We are the KIB; we protect canon from the likes of _you_," he told her gruffly.

"Actually, I'm not an Agent," the green-skinned woman added.

"You're not?" Raven asked, terrified by her current situation.

"No, I'm Elphaba. I had nothing to do this weekend, so I decided to help them out," Elphie told her.

"Hi, Legolas!" J shouted right before she flashed the light in everyone's eyes.

* * *

A/N: That was the Goth/Emo Sue. What other Sues would you like to see? Hobbit Sues? Arwen's Sister Sues? Sues that are stuck in the wrong fandom? 


	5. Fangirl, Interrupted

**Fangirl, Interrupted**

Disclaimer: As much as I would like to say they're mine, but they're not; I've learned to accept that.

A/N: To my anonymous reviewers:

**Rambie:** I will do a lost Sue chapter soon, but I haven't watched or read Inu Yasha; I'm sorry.

**Dannielle:** I'm glad you think the story rocks. It will get longer.

**Legolas Girl 9:** I'm glad you like it, but I'm not sure if I will chronicle how the KIB came to be; I might do that at the end.

Ashley woke up in an ethereally beautiful bedroom made of white marble; she immediately noticed that vines and tree branches had wound their way around the pillars and occasionally crept up the walls. Suddenly, a young stunning young maiden with glossy black hair, flawlessly fair skin, and sky-blue eyes enter the room; Ashley saw that this woman also had pointed ears and a familiar-looking necklace. The two females stared awkwardly at each other for a moment. Ashley broke the silence.

"Where am I?" she asked, bewildered.

"You are in Rivendell, in the House of Lord Elrond," the elleth stated gently but firmly.

"Wow! That's _so_ totally cool! Can I go to the council?" the fangirl requested excitedly.

"Well—" the elf maiden began.

"Okay, let's go! You're Arwen, aren't you?"

"Yes, but how did you know that?"

Ashley discoursed on a tangent about the LOTR movies: how they were a million times better than the books (though she had never read them), how Orlando Bloom was the hottest guy on the planet, etc. By the time the two had reached the area where the council was being held, Arwen was sick to death of this strange guest.

When Ashley entered the Circle of Chairs everyone was struck with her captivating beauty from her fair skin to her white blonde hair to her stunning turquoise eyes (she outshone Arwen by at least 94,572 megawatts). Everyone was dumbstruck, except for one person: a green-skinned young woman (who sat next to Frodo, on his right) paid the newcomer no notice and continued reading her copy of _People_ Magazine.

"I don't care about how Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are going to decorate their baby's nursery! Can't the magazine staff write about anything else!" the lady shrieked at the periodical; that's when she looked up and frantically glanced at everyone's entranced faces. "Huh? What are we staring at?" Then she noticed Ashley standing the opposite edge of the circle in all her radiant glory. "Oh, hello. Who are you?"

"I am Ashley. I come from Earth; that's a world that's really far away from here," the Fangirl Sue explained as if she were speaking to a group of three-year-olds.

"You're from another world? You sound just like the Wizard, Emperor of Oz. Have you come to be this world's tyrannical dictator, too?" the green woman asked bitterly, every word dripping with contempt as she turned her attention back to her magazine.

"No," Ashley replied, ignoring the woman's loathing tone, "I have come to save Middle-earth from the evil clutches of Sauron, for I already know the fate of the war."

"DON'T TELL US! DON'T TELL US!" Lord Elrond screamed, coming out of his trance. "On second thought, just tell Gandalf and me because we're the smartest people here. Anyway, Lady Ashley, you shall sit to the right of Lady Elphaba."

The Sue felt slighted, as she had hoped to be seated next to Legolas. Oh, well, she could seduce him later. Right now, she had to deal with the cranky gal on her left, who she thought was the ugliest person she'd ever seen (actually, anyone with half a brain would consider Elphaba pretty, despite her green skin, which shows how smart this fangirl is).

After that, there was a lot of talking. Ashley asked Elphie if she could borrow her issue of _People_, but the Witch rudely refused her, so all the girl could do was complain.

"Why is this taking so long?" she whined.

"Oh, they're just trying to annoy you. You're right; it really shouldn't take this long to decide the fate of an entire world," Elphaba snapped sarcastically.

Finally, the Council started talking about forming a Fellowship.

"I'll go! I'll go!" Ashley squealed excitedly.

"In that case, I'll go, too," Elphaba volunteered. The fangirl was startled.

"What! The maximum is ten members!" the Sue snapped, never having come across a fic that had Eleven Walkers (though they do exist).

"Well, actually, I heard somewhere that there should be Nine Walkers for Nine Riders, but since you've disregarded that fact, Eleven Walkers should work."

"Well, surely a gorgeous young maid such as Lady Ashley would be abducted, so maybe the Lady Elphaba should come along as her female escort and protect her from such harm," Boromir suggested in a pompous tone that hinted at the male chauvinism that he always possessed in Sue fics.

"Yes, I think that would suffice," Elrond agreed without letting Elphie get a word in edgewise. "This council is adjourned. Now, Lady Ashley, please come with Gandalf and me to my office so that we may discuss the outcome of the quest."

Later that afternoon, Ashley was sitting in a balcony above the archery course, spying on her beloved elf prince, of course. As she stared at him, she let out a long, loud sigh; it was then that Elphaba cleared her throat to declare her presence.

"He's beautiful, isn't he?" the Witch remarked, referring to Legolas.

"Yes, he's the hottest thing ever," the Sue agreed, never taking her eyes off him. "If only he would notice me."

"I can help you," Elphie offered.

"Oh, thank you! Thank—" then Ashley turned her head and realized who she was talking to. "Oh, it's you. Why would you help me?"

"Well, I thought we got off on the wrong foot earlier today and seeing as we'll be traveling as escort and ward…" Elphaba trailed off before her face could show her disgust.

"What can you do?"

"Well…I'm a witch; a little magic is all you need to ensnare your lust object." The fangirl was looking more and more excited with every word Elphie spoke, but the Sue was too dumb to notice that the Witch's kindness was extremely forced and not genuine at all. "Come with me."

Elphaba led Ashley to her room, where the only thing that was in the room other than the bed was a broom.

"Uh, why do you have a broom in your room?" Ashley asked, confused.

"I fly on it," Elphie stated briskly.

"Fly?"

"Yes, you know, I use it to defy gravity."

"Uh, what will you use to help me?"

"Oh…_my assistants_ have that stuff."

"Your assistants?"

"Yes, _my assistants_." As Elphaba spoke those last two words, she said them to the door, which puzzled her fangirl companion. There was an eerie silence.

The silence was soon broken when Agents P and J rushed into the room, completely drenched and tripping over themselves.

"You---you're under arrest," Agent J panted as she fell over and paused to catch her breath.

"Who are you?" Ashley demanded as Agent P clumsily managed to clap the handcuffs on her.

"We're Kids in Black, the closest thing fanfiction has to a police force. You're under arrest for being a Mary Sue," P explained.

"Why are you two all wet?" Elphie inquired.

"We took a POTC mission at the last minute and after we got the Sue, the Royal Navy attacked," J told her. "When we tried to escape in the Kidmobile, they tried to drown us in it. We decided to use the brand-new teleporting system to get here, but when we arrived, we found a stowaway."

"That's interesting. That's very interesting," Captain Jack Sparrow remarked as two beautifully frightening Elven guards (with out bows and arrows pointed in his face) backed him into the room.

"Hey, leave him alone. He's with me," Elphaba lied. With that, the guards left.

"Thank, love---" Jack began, but when he turned towards the two women next the broom, all he could was stare. "Beautiful."

"Thank you," Ashley replied, thinking that he meant her.

"Not you. I meant the gorgeous green goddess next to you," the captain corrected her. Elphie blushed a deep, dark shade of forest green.

"Uh, well, we'll leave you two to get better acquainted," Agent P told them rather awkwardly.

"Come on, you," Agent J hissed to the Sue as she yanked to girl (who was still gazing wistfully at Captain Sparrow) out of the room by the arm.

A/N: Don't worry, my pretties; the Wrong Fandom Sue is coming soon to a computer screen near you. Please review.


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